suffering……

It usually comes down to this. Living in the tension leaves you with that choice. There’s a point where I break down.

There always is. And I’m left with a choice.

Light.

Darkness.

I have noticed in my life, and in the lives of others, this is where we find ourselves. In the midst of constantly making this choice. Light or darkness.

In the midst of suffering, this choice is hidden behind all this is going on around you. It is hidden by the pain you feel from what is happening. It is hidden by the numbness that you let envelop you. In the midst of suffering, you seem to have one choice. To let it surround you. Darkness.

And only at this moment, at a point of utter brokenness, can you see the light breaking through.

Only at this moment do you fully understand the suffering that is going on.

Only in this moment do you realize your desperate need for Jesus.

It’s hard to choose light. You want to do things on your own. You want to make everything right by yourself.

Or you want to forget about it. Push all the pain away. Become numb.

And this is where i have found myself. Pushing everything away. Trying to let myself not feel anymore.

Because if I am brutally honest. I’m broken. My heart literally hurts right now. I have found myself on the verge of tears for the past couple of days.

And I want to fix it. I want to make everything ok. I want to jump in and save the situation.

But I can’t.

I never can.

Jesus can. He has, He is, and He’s going to.

This is my choice.

I can choose to realize his redemptive work on the cross in my life and accept it. Or I can try to do things by myself.

I can choose to let him work through all situations, or become numb to them and try to forget about everything.

And in the midst of this, i realized something.

I choose the light.

I need Jesus.

why am i still in college

Why am I in college right now? It seems that is the question that I have been asking myself more and more as these past couple weeks have gone by. Last year, my answer was quite simple. It was the right next step in following Jesus. I knew that’s where my journey was taking me, and I was heading there for a reason. Even in the midst of asking this question, I see where God has been transforming me through the experiences and relationships I have had/formed over the past year. I look back on the past year and it makes sense.

This journey has led me to where I am at now. Full time at kuyper, internship at mars hill, and working. I am still being transformed throughout all of this, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like something is missing. Most nights I end up thinking where my day went. I wonder if what I accomplished that day was anything worthwhile for the kingdom. I wonder if I am truly playing my part in the story. I love being involved at the places that I am. But that’s all I feel I have. Involvement for the sake of involvement.

Why am In college? To be equipped and empowered? In essence, yes. But I feel like the more I sit in class, the more I write papers, the more I take exams, the more I realize that all of the “equipping” and “empowering” could be happening outside of an institution. I have blessed to have some amazing people in my life. People who challenge me daily. People who I have learned more about myself, and more about how to be better involved in the kingdom, more than sitting in class has.

A great friend of mine brought this up to me the other night. He was talking about the “American dream”. He was talking about how as people in America, we are expected to graduate from college. And if we don’t have that little piece of paper, then we will not be able to do anything worthwhile with our lives. I agree with him. If I am going to college just for the sake of getting a diploma, then something is wrong. As I’ve looked at Jesus and how counter-intuitive and radical he is, I am starting to realize that maybe I am going to college for all the wrong reasons. I am going so that maybe someday I can work at a church doing youth ministry. That’s it? I have a hard time believing that’s why A. I am wasting a lot of money paying for credits in school, when I could be giving that money to other areas that need it. And B. That if my gifts and strengths are used to walking alongside adolescents, that I couldn’t be empowered and equipped by the people around me that I have been blessed to become friends with.

Which leads me to where I am at right now. What is the right next step for me? Tonight at evensong, we sang a line to a song that goes something like “For greater things have yet to come And greater things are still to be done in this City”. So simple. As I went through this summer in California with some amazing people, and watched God do some amazing things that I was able to be involved in, I realized something. Something that had been growing inside of me. A passion for teens. A passion for teens who are utterly broken. To join in on what God is doing in there lives already is exciting me. More and more I realize that I have had my story played out for a reason. That I have these things that I have transformed me to be able to tell about what God has done in my life.

I want to be part of the revolution of Jesus. I want to be involved in the counter-cultural, radical way of living that can only come from following Him. I want to be involved in something bigger than myself. I want to love with reckless abandonment. I want to show these teens that there is a hope out there. That He loves them and wants to give them life.

So here I am. I find it hard to believe that the revolution of Jesus starts at a college where I am paying seven thousand dollars a semester for classes. I find it hard to believe that the revolution of Jesus is being proclaimed and advanced when I sit in class 6 hours of the day.

Maybe I’ll quit school and move in somewhere downtown Grand Rapids and starting joining in on what God is doing there. Living in community with a bunch of people who are passionate about following Jesus and advancing his kingdom. Maybe I ill quit school and go join my brothers and sisters in Christ in California and join in on what God is doing in them and the neighborhood. Maybe I can be involved in the story that is so much bigger than myself.

Who wants to join the revolution…………….

In between the lines….

AI was reading through my old notebooks tonight(instead of reading for class). I came across a lot of interesting quotes that I had written down. It amazes me to see how much I have grown in the past five years. It also amazes me that I am still processing through a lot of the things I was back then. I may be farther along in my journey, but my struggles, fears, and hopes and dreams are almost identical for the most part. Just thought I’d share a few things from my old notebooks that I thought were interesting………….

-Everyone is asking three things:
1. Identity-Who am I?
2. Importance-Do I matter?
3. Impact-What is my place in life?

“If christians would take all the energy we put into proving were right and other people are wrong and invest that energy in pursuing and doing good, more people would believe we are right.”

“Let Jesus meet me where I’m at”

“perfect in weakness, I’m only perfect in just your strength”

“I want love to carry me through”

There are so many more things throughout these notebooks that I have struggled with and processed through. Only a few main themes run though. My place in this world. Love. And Jesus’ redemptive work.

I feel like everyone struggles with these questions. From a child to a full grown adult, we are always asking who we are, whats our place, and if we matter………….just interesting that it never changes.

We are constantly searching, constantly questioning. It was only a matter of time before I answered those questions with he hope that Jesus had offered me……..Only now, those questions are being asked in the midst of his kingdom.

Light penetrating

“I believe Love is the answer. I believe Love will find a way. Jesus is the answer for the world today” I believe-Building 429.

Even amidst all the darkness that seems to surround our world daily, I believe this. I believe the love that flows from and out of Christ is the answer. I believe this love will find a way to prevail over the darkness. I believe Jesus is the true light that will break into the depths of any darkness and penetrate with his unceasing light.

Walk with me on journey of redemption and healing. A journey of light unto darkness. A journey of love.

The dark was an easy place for him. A place of limbo where numbness enveloped every part of his body. A place where he was dead to himself, and to everything surrounding him. Did he want the darkness there? He wasn’t to sure. He had seen what light could do. It could transform every part of his being. It would guide him out of this pit of despair into a place of glorious riches. But it was dark, oh so dark.

There was only one problem with the numbness. Once it went away, he felt it. It creeped in slowly. Like a cancer that keeps coming back. It goes away, only to come back and crush every hope he had. Th darkness had a stronghold on him almost to strong to break. this pain the darkness brought was unbearable.

“Your not good enough.” “Your not smart enough.” “Your never going to amount to anything.” “No one really likes you.” “No one really cares about you.” “Why don’t you just end it now, no one will care anyways.” It would of been easy. All he had to do was take the pills that were sitting next to him on his desk. But for some reason he couldn’t do it. Instead of this, he opted for another way to rid himself of the darkness. It was easy this way. The knife was sharp. He made sure to make small concise cuts, that way no one would notice. To feel the knife slowly slice through his forearm was an easy way to forget about the pain that was enveloping him. The blood that dripped down was an easy reminder of everything that he hated about himself.

There was one thing he didn’t understand. In between this darkness and depression, there was an inkling of hope. He could feel it every time he ran the knife down his arm, every time he thought about ending it all, everyday he didn’t make it out of bed, everyday he spent crying alone under his sheets. It wouldn’t go away. It seemed to penetrate through at some times. Only a flicker, then it would be enveloped by the darkness. He thought the darkness would prevail. He thought that this darkness would carry on forever. But the light was persistent. It kept permeating through. Until one day he saw it.

He was standing on the edge of the lake. He could feel the sand between his toes. As he looked around he realized something. He was surrounded by every single person that had been loving on him. Every single person that had been a light unto his darkness his entire life. They were pointing at something. It was in the middle of the lake. A light so bright, he couldn’t even bring himself to look at it. But he was drawn to it. More drawn to this light than he had ever been to anything in his entire life.

“Come to me” the light said. He wants me, the mess up, the never good enough, to come to him? “Come to me” the light said again. He couldn’t come to him. He was dirty, messed up, showered in darkness. “Come to me” the light said once more.

The people were pleading him to walk on the water towards the amazing light in the center of the lake. “Please, you have to” “We have all been praying for you” He couldn’t. No one would ever want to accept him for what he had done.

But the light was persistent. “Come to me” the light said, and added something different. “And I will give you peace”. That was enough for him. He broke down. More broken than he had ever been his entire life. With the people cheering him on, he walked on the water towards the light. The closer he got to the light, the more he realized something. It wasn’t just a light. It was Jesus. Reaching out to him. Being a light unto his darkness. Desperately fighting for his life. There was one more thing left to be said.

Jesus place his had on his shoulder and said, “You are my son whom I love, and whom I am well pleased.” Never before had he been loved like this. Never before was his darkness torn out of him, only to be filled immediately with he light. A light that shined through every broken place in his life. A light that restored and healed him. A light that beckoned him from the depths of his despair, into the glorious riches of his love.

I believe in love. I believe it with every ounce of my being. I believe that the love of Christ is stronger than anything the world will ever throw in my way. I believe that the redemptive work of the cross will allow healing in any broken place. I believe that there is a light unto the darkness.

Please Come Home

Please Come Home-dustin kensrue

Well, I woke one morning
Found you staring down at me
You said “I’ll take my share now, father please”
And you took your money
And you took your leave
You drilled my heart and turned your back on me

And you hit the town
And you hit the bottle hard
You race ’round in your fancy cars and you blow all your money
On brothels, beds, and bars
Before you know your broken times get hard

I still stand here waiting
With my eyes fixed on the road
And I fight back tears and I wonder
If you’re ever coming home
Don’t you know son that I love you
And I don’t care where you’ve been
So please come home

And now you’ve hit bottom
All those open doors have shut
And you’re hungry stomach’s tied in knots
But I know what you’re thinking
That you troubled me enough
Nothing could ever separate you from my love

I still stand here waiting
With my eyes fixed on the road
And I fight back tears and I wonder
If you’re ever coming home
Don’t you know son that I love you
And I don’t care where you’ve been

Yes and I’ll be right here waiting
‘Till you come around the bend
And I run to you and hold you close
Won’t let go again

So, please come home
Please come home

If one song could sum up my parents and I relationship, this is it…………

xbox 360’s and our citizenship in the kingdom

I can barely sleep at night.  Every time I close my eyes, my brain immediately starts racing.  It might have to do with the amount of caffeine that I consume during the day, but that’s another story.  I wonder if I am really living to the potential that God has called me to live to.  I wonder why I am not being persecuted as followers of Christ have been all throughout history.  I wonder how I claim I’m following Christ, but have five coats at home.  I wonder  if it’s ok to have a savings account and an xbox360, while there are people homeless in Grand Rapids without food and clothing to keep them warm.  I wonder if I am actively pursuing the best kind of life(sc).  I wonder what that even looks like.

I used to think I had it all figured out.  Say the prayer so you can go to heaven, check.  Become baptized, check.  God will bless you with riches and friends and a lot of material possessions because he is a God of blessing, check?  God will never allow you to suffer because he loves you, check?  This doesn’t sound anything near the message of the Gospel.  It sounds just the opposite.  In fact, it sound more like the American dream than anything else.  Nothing compared to the revolutionary lifestyle the early church embodied when they decided to follow Christ.

Don’t get me wrong.  People are doing some amazing things around the world with the love of Christ.  I’m reminded of my friend Chris.  I met him while being a life group leader at Mars Hill.  He understood the love of Christ.  He embodied it, and decided that his life needed to be centered on showing students they can change the world with the love of Christ.  So he started a website(www.dreamloud.com)  where students can come together to connect with each other on what it means to follow Christ.  To him, this wasn’t enough.  In order to be the hands and feet of Jesus, he needed to put action alongside with his faith.(Kinda reminds me of James letter)  Christ left behind all of his family and friends to head to South Korea, where he is teaching the revolutionary love of Christ to the poor, broken and oppressed.  Now that is being the hands and feet of Jesus.  That is revolutionary.

I’m not trying to say we have it all wrong.  But for most of my life, I’ve had an inkling there has to be more to life than what the world has to offer.  And there is.  But its not of the world.  It’s in the Kingdom of God.  Once we realized that are citizenship is in this kingdom, and not any earthly kingdom, I would argue that most things in our daily life would change.  We would be concentrated on loving others, instead of trampling on them to get to the top.  We would be concentrated on being peacemakers, instead of “ridding the world of evil”.  We would be concentrated on loving the hell out of the world, instead of making it more real than it already is.   This is revolutionary, as following Christ should be.

A few things……….

I’ve had an interesting past two weeks………………….  Well, I’ve had a rough past two weeks.

It seems, that I needed to take a “break” from my life walking alongside Jesus, and take my own path for a while.  Sooner or later, I will learn that I am lost without him.  I am lost without the hope he offers.  I am lost without realizing the full work that he completed on the cross.  I can not do this on my own.

Even though I have been pursuing my own adgenda, instead of pursuing work for His kingdom, I have came to a few realizations in the past two weeks.

1.  “Preach the gospel at all times, and when necassary use words”- Saint Francis of Assisi.  How true is this quote for me, and i believe many followers of Christ.  I love to talk about Jesus.  I love to talk about God’s interaction with humanity all throughout history.  I love to talk of the redemptive work of the cross and what that means.  I love to talk about seeking God’s kingdom.  See a reacurring pattern?  I do.  I love to talk.  I love to talk a lot about what God has done in my life, and what I belive he can do in the world.  Sooner or later, I need to go from simply talking, to being actively involved in the restoration of the world.  I need to put actions to my words.  Don’t get me wrong, I am trying my best to pursue this.  But there needs to be a point in my life, and others, when the rubber meets the road.  Where we need to decided if we are truly going to live out the teachings of Jesus, or simply belive in them without any actions behind the belief.

2.  I absolutley need people in my life who will walk alongside me in my story.  Without a community of believers surrounding me, I am too tempted to fall to the wayside and start living life for myself.  I need people surrounding me to pray with, break bread with, love with, and simply do life with.  God has put so many people in my life who truly care for me as I am.  A messed up broken person who has been redeemed by the blood of Christ.  I am so blessed to have these people surrounding me.  Tonight at the.element we had students come up and say their favorite part of the element.  One of the students put it perfect.  “I learned what true community is, and how important it is to follow Jesus”.  How true.

3.  I am not the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.  Granted, I love the story that I am part of, but im changing.  at the end of each day, I need to ask myself If i was living to the full potential that God has called me to live to.  I believe that he is calling each and every one of his followers to a potential that we may not realize that we can live to.  There are so many amazing people who have blessed with awesome gifts that can be a part of soemthign bigger than themselves.  They can be involved in bringing heaven to earth.  In advancing His kingdom in anyway.  I want to by the type of person who stands before my maker at the end of my life and say that I gave it everything I had.  I ran the race with perseverance and fought the good fight.  that I used everyone of my gifts to love the hell out of the world.  That I put His kingdom above everythign else in my life.

Just a few things that i have realized in the past couple of weeks.  As i opened my bible for the first time in two weeks, I turned to John 15:18-27.  Jesus is talking to his disciples about the world hating them as it hated him.

He says something amazing that hit me really hard tonight.

“If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it’s own.  As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  that is why the world hates you” John:19

Such a simple, yet profound statement.  If I am going to pursue earthly things, the world will love me.  But…………..since His kingdom is not of this world, the world will hate me.

Throughout all of scriputres and the early church, there was heavy persecution for being a christian.  Do I have it all wrong?  Am I beign loved by the world because I am not pursuing Christ with everythign that I have?

Are christians chasing after the wrongs things?

Are christians more preoccupied with earthly things such as job security, monetary gain, new cars and houses, than with advancing God’s kingdom?

If we truly lived out the teachings of Jesus, would we in fact face more persecution because the world would hate us?

Just a few things to ponder…………..

Opression

“Oppression” Ben Harper

Oppression
you pray on us when we sleep
oppression
you chase after the tired the poor the weak
oppression
you know you mean only harm
oppression
you reach out with your long arm

but oppression
I won’t let you near me
oppression
you shall learn to fear me

oppression
you seek population control
oppression
to divide and to conquer is your goal
oppression
I swear that hatred is your home
oppression
you just won’t leave bad enough alone

but oppression
I won’t let you near me
oppression
you shall learn to fear me

oppression
I don’t see how you sleep
oppression
for your bleeding conscience I weep
oppression
you may have the dollar on your side
but oppression
from the gospel truth you cannot hide
and
oppression
I won’t let you near me
oppression
you shall learn to fear me
oppression
I won’t let you near me
oppression
you shall fear me

1 Peter

I had to write a paper on the General Epistles for my New Testament class this week.  The Spirit was totally working through me as it reveled to me something amazing that Peter had written.  To me, it sums up what for me, a lot of what following Christ is about.  So  here is the paragraph that was written about this revelation!

“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect” (1 Peter 18, 19).  To early Christian readers, this picture of redemption was all to real.  The original Greek word for “redeem” refers back to the institution of slavery in ancient Rome (Blum 1045).  During the first-century, churches were filled with people who were, or once were slaves under the Roman government.  The only way to be freed from this old life was to purchase freedom with something perishable as silver or gold.  Peter makes it very clear that these perishable things will not redeem you from your empty life of your ancestors.  In using the word empty, he is referring to people with a pagan background not a Jewish background (Blum 1045).  He also makes it very clear that the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect, is the only thing that can redeem us from our past empty lifestyles.  In this verse, Peter is referring to the Old Testament when Israel was in bondage to Egypt.  The Passover lamb was killed and the Israelites had to mark there doors with it’s blood so God would not kill their first born.  This was done to provide them release from slavery and judgment (Blum 1046).  Peter’s referral to this is very powerful.  Just as the blood of the lamb was used to redeem the Israelites out of slavery, the blood of Jesus Christ was used to redeem the new Christians out of their old empty life.  Throughout all of history God has heard the groaning of the oppressed and those in bondage.  According to Peter, he has offered the final Sacrificial Lamb to redeem us from this bondage.

What ways are you looking to redeem yourself, and not letting Christ?

What has the blood of Christ redeemed you from?

Praise be to God for his redeemign work in the offering of his one and only son Jesus Christ as the final sacrifice!  Praise be to God for working through me in writing this!

Everyone should check out Don Davis’s message that he spoke at Mars Hill today.  It was amazing.